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New Fic: Kung-Fu Fighting

Kung-Fu Fighting
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Rated: PG
Category: Gen. Team.
Season:  Anytime post-eight, but likely post-series.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Sometimes, it doesn’t  matter if you know the answer yourself. You just need to know someone who does.
Word Count: 1253.
Note: Written for the 2012 Ancient Obsessions Advent Prompt: Hacker. (Holiday fic.) Thanks to sonria and sgteam14283 for the gift ideas. Also, better late than never, and, in the words of Wedge Antilles, we're all done here.


Daniel Jackson’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion as he slowly opened the box in his lap.

“What is it?” asked Sam, curious as to why Daniel had such an odd look on his face.

Daniel blinked a few times and looked up from the box. “I’m not sure,” he answered. He slowly pulled a second box out from the first and held it up for Sam to see.

“It’s a worm farm kit!” squealed Sam. “I had one of those when I was a kid!”

Daniel gave her a look and held it at arm’s length. After a moment, he looked to his right and asked a one-word question of the man sitting there.


The older man smiled. “Yes, Daniel?”

“Why did you get me a worm farm?”

Jack blinked innocently at Daniel. “It was on your list.”

“What list?” asked Daniel.

“Your wish list. Online,” explained Jack.

Now it was Daniel’s turn to blink. “Um… it was?”

Jack nodded. “Yep.”

“Oh,” muttered Daniel. He was clearly confused, but too polite to say anything more on the subject.

Jack spared him from his discomfort by looking at Sam.

“You gonna open yours, Carter?” he asked.

Sam picked up the box in front of her and tore off the wrapping paper in a manner most unbecoming a scientist of her stature. When she opened the box, she smiled. “It’s a book,” she said.

Daniel harrumphed. “Oh, she gets a book,” he groused, clearly jealous of what he considered a far better gift than a worm farm kit.

Sam’s face suddenly morphed into a look of confusion, though, and Daniel quirked an eyebrow at her.

“Something wrong, Sam?”

Sam merely held up the book. Daniel read the title and burst out laughing.

A Creationist’s View of the Universe, it said, and Daniel just couldn’t help himself. He laughed for a good thirty seconds straight before he managed to sputter a response to Sam.

“Oh, that’s classic. I get mini-Goa’uld and you get anti-science rhetoric,” he giggled.

This time, it was Sam who gave Jack the eyeball. “Nice, sir. Really funny,” he snipped.

“What?” said Jack. “It was on your list! I’m telling you, I didn’t buy anything you guys didn’t ask for! I thought I did well! I mean, I’ll grant you I thought that title was a bit odd for you, but I figured if you wanted it, you had a reason, right? So, there you go!”

“Sir, this was not on m wish list,” stated Sam.

Jack’s eyebrows rose. “Oh, really? Then why did I buy it from your wish list? Better check again.”

 “Oh, I will,” answered Sam.

Jack just smiled back at her before turning to Teal’c.

“So, T. These two ingrates don’t seem to like my presents. Why don’t you open yours and see if you can redeem my pride.”

Teal’c inclined his head toward Jack. “As you wish, O’Neill.”

He methodically removed the paper from the package marked for him and removed a book that looked similar to Sam’s. As he did so, he inclined his head in the other direction and then raised one eyebrow at Jack.

“Well?” prompted Jack.

Teal’c swallowed. “I fail to see the relevance of this particular book, O’Neill.”

“What it is, Teal’c?” asked Daniel.

“A comparison of the merits of Star Trek and Star Wars,” answered Teal’c.

“Well, at least one of us got something appropriate,” groused Sam.

Teal’c shook his head. “It postulates that Star Trek is superior, Colonel Carter.”

Daniel made a face of mock shock. “No!” he gasped, all sarcasm.

Teal’c glared at him.

After a moment, Daniel narrowed his eyes at Teal’c. “Let me guess,” he said. “Not on your wish list.”

“Indeed it was not, Daniel Jackson,” answered Teal’c. “I did, in fact, make one of those at your suggestion this year, but I did not put this on it.”

“Really,” said Daniel, suspicions building.

Meanwhile, Sam had cracked open her laptop and was concentrating hard on the screen.

“Well, I hate to tell you this, Teal’c, but it looks like you did,” she said.

Teal’c and Daniel both stared at her. “What?” asked Daniel.

Sam turned the computer around so that her teammates could see it. “See? Right here. It’s in the history. And yours was the same, Daniel. Worm farm and all. Along with some books supposedly proving the pyramids are all a big hoax.”

Daniel jumped out of his chair and went to stand behind Sam to get a closer look at the screen. Teal’c joined him a second later, and all three teammates looked more and more perplexed by the second.

For his part, Jack merely leaned back in his chair and grinned.

It wouldn’t take his former team long to figure out what had happened, but for now, he’d take any satisfaction he could get.

After all, they had this coming for scaring him half to death by getting captured on their last mission.

And it’s not like it had been hard to do.

He just hadn’t been able to help himself.

One well-placed phone call to someone who owed him a favor and voila!

Instant revenge for all the headaches his former team caused him.

He grinned wider as Daniel started making incoherent noises, but then wiped his smile off his face as Carter’s head suddenly snapped up. She got that intense look she got when she was thinking hard for just a second, then she glared at Jack.

Jack couldn’t help but smirk. He knew the gig was up.

Sam pointed at him, “You!” she exclaimed.

Daniel and Teal’c suddenly focused on him as well.

“Jack?” asked Daniel, a bit bewildered.

Teal’c, for his part, merely raised an eyebrow, as usual.

“You did this,” said Sam, now quiet but with certainty in her voice.

 “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Carter,” said Jack. He was the picture of innocence.

Sam wasn’t buying it.

“Oh, no,” she said. “I don’t believe you. I saw you grinning over there. I don’t know how, but you did this.” She wagged a finger at him, but Jack did not respond.

Instead, Daniel spoke up. He was still confused.

 “Wait. What happened here?” he asked.

Teal’c answered for Sam. “I believe O’Neill has somehow managed to alter our wish lists so that he could purchase these... things.”

Jack grinned. “The phrase is ‘gag gifts’, T, and let’s say, just for the sake of argument, mind you, that I did. I dare you to prove it.”

Sam opened her mouth to say something, but then shut it again and  just glared at her former CO wordlessly. Jack smirked back at her and nodded.

“That’s what I thought,” he said, all self-satisfaction. “Now, I wonder what else you’ll get for Christmas this year…”

Sam’s glare intensified, and Jack’s smirk did the same.

That smirk told all three of his former teammates that he was guilty, but he knew that none of them would ever be able to trace the changes in their online wish lists back to him – not even Sam.

Because while Sam was good, she wasn’t that good. When it came to this particular skill, her kung-fu was not the best. Good, yes, but not the best.

And if there was one thing Jack O’Neill had learned throughout his years of command, it was that being a leader wasn’t about being the best, but about knowing where to find the best.

Well, that and to never underestimate the importance of  an exceptional hacker.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 17th, 2013 02:44 pm (UTC)
Bwahaha!! Clearly, it must have been the same Evil Secret Santa who gave all the crap gifts to the Avengers!
Jan. 17th, 2013 08:36 pm (UTC)
Ya think? ;)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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