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New Fic: Schooled

Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Rated: G
Category: Humor, Team, Gen.
Season: Nine.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Mitchell learns not to argue with Teal’c - the hard way.
Word Count: 1912
Disclaimer: Just playing in the gateroom. Don’t mind me.
Note: Written for the SG-1 Friendship Ficathon on LJ. Prompt: Cam, Teal’c, movies.


Daniel Jackson leaned back from the campfire and scrubbed a hand across his face. The stubble there reminded him that he’d been on this god-forsaken planet for three days and his team had yet to uncover anything of any interest at all. He was ready to head back to Earth and couldn’t wait until dawn, when they’d pack up and return to the stargate to do just that. He didn’t relish the idea of the five mile hike there, but at this point, that no longer mattered. He just wanted to go home. Thinking that sleep would make the wait pass more quickly, he stretched and started to head to his tent for the night.

That’s when he heard it.

“I’m telling you, you’ve got it all wrong,” said a voice from the woods surrounding the circle of light from the fire.

Daniel sighed loudly. Sam looked up from the opposite side of the fire. She raised an eyebrow. Daniel nodded his head toward the woods, where footfalls were getting closer.

“They’re at it again,” he said.

“Seriously?” said Sam, shaking her head. “You’d think they’d have let it go by now.”

Daniel shrugged. “Apparently not.”

Sam sighed. “How much you want to bet they’re going to try to get us to take sides again?”

Daniel snorted a small laugh. “Of course they will. Why should this time be any different than the last twenty-seven times they’ve done this?”

“Twenty-seven?” asked Sam. “Have you actually been counting?”

“Well, no, but…” started Daniel.

“Then you can’t say an exact number. I doubt it’s been twenty-seven times, Daniel,” said Sam, effecting a teaching tone.

“Well, it feels like a hundred times,” groused Daniel, giving her a look that clearly said he didn’t appreciate her lecture.

“You know,” continued Sam, almost as if Daniel hadn’t spoken, “maybe we should keep track. Might be fun. And Teal’c does seem to appreciate that sort of thing.”

Just then, the footsteps reached the clearing, and Teal’c’s deep baritone answered Sam.

“What sort of thing,  Colonel Carter?

“Oh, it’s nothing, Teal’c,” answered Sam.

Daniel agreed immediately. “Yeah, don’t worry about it,” he said, with a dismissive hand wave.

Teal’c gave them both a raised eyebrow, but said nothing. Daniel shared a quick look with Sam and they both exhaled lightly, glad to have gotten off so easily and hoping that their little interruption had derailed the conversation from the woods.

Cameron Mitchell, however, would have none of that. He plowed on as if nothing had happened.

“I still can’t believe you would say that, T’eal’c! That’s crazy talk!”

“Your opinion in this matter has been clearly stated before, Colonel Mitchell,” answered Teal’c, stoic as always but very nearly suppressing a sigh.

“I know, but I’m going to keep stating it until you realize I’m right!” countered Mitchell.

Teal’c turned to look at Mitchell as he settled beside the campfire between Daniel and Sam.

“That is unlikely to occur,” he stated plainly.

“Ha! Unlikely!” shouted Mitchell, slapping a hand on his knee. “That’s progress. Last time, you said it was impossible!”

Daniel rolled his eyes and Sam chuckled.

Teal’c, as always, raised an eyebrow, then spoke slowly. “I do not believe your odds have actually improved, Colonel Mitchell. I merely chose to use another word in this case.”

“That’s your subconscious talking,” said Mitchell. He pulled a granola bar from his pocket and bit into it as he spoke, clearly thinking he’d won this point.

“I do not believe that is the case, Colonel Mitchell,” said Teal’c. “Rather, I think this is a simple case of variation in vocabulary. One does not always use the same word when describing the same situation. Is this not correct, Daniel Jackson?”

Daniel shook his head. “Oh, no. Don’t bring me into this.”

“I do not wish your opinion on the matter at hand, Daniel Jackson. I merely want to clarify my understanding of your language.”

“Teal’c,” said Sam, “you’ve been on Earth almost ten years. I think you’ve got it down.”

Daniel shot Sam a grateful look. “She’s got a point, Teal’c,” he said. “I think you know the answer already.”

“Yes,” said Teal’c, “but Colonel Mitchell apparently does not.”

Teal’c shot Mitchell a sidelong look as he spoke, and Mitchell stuck out his tongue.

“That behavior is hardly appropriate for your position on this team, Colonel Mitchell,” said Teal’c.

“Oh, lighten up, T,” said Mitchell. “There’s no one but us out here to see it.”

“Indeed. But that does not change the face that I am right,” said Teal’c.

“About my behavior?” asked Mitchell. “Maybe. But we’ve already established that this area poses no threats and contains nothing of interest, so I think we can relax protocol a bit. And stop trying to change the subject! This isn’t about me. It’s about your taste in movies.”

Daniel sighed again and Sam stifled a full-blown laugh. Teal’c and Cameron has been going at this for days, and they showed no sign of stopping. And while Teal’c was right that Mitchell should behave more professionally at times, military protocol had always been pretty lax off world, and now was no exception. The fact that the two of them could spend eighty percent of their time carrying on about films was proof of that.

“I am entitled to my opinion, Colonel Mitchell,” said Teal’c, with an air of finality.

“Yeah, you are, but that doesn’t mean it’s right!” countered Mitchell.

Daniel couldn’t resist joining in at this point, despite his misgivings about getting drawn into their debate.

“Well, it is an opinion. It doesn’t have to agree with yours. That’s why it’s an opinion and not a fact.”

Teal’c inclined his head at Mitchell, clearly pleased that Daniel had taken his side.

“That’s not the point, Jackson! He’s just being stubborn! I’ve given him a million examples of why I’m right, but he just won’t listen!”

“I have listened, Colonel Mitchell. Many times, in fact.”

“Yeah, we’ve all heard you, Cam,” agreed Sam.

“Repeatedly,” chimed in Daniel.

Mitchell gave a huff. “Then will you please tell him I’m right?”

Daniel opened his mouth but then snapped it shut again as Sam started to speak. She got nothing more than an inarticulate syllable out, though, because Teal’c interrupted.

“That will make no difference, Colonel Mitchell. I still will not agree with you.”

“Can you at least tell me why? I mean, you just sit there and give me the eyebrow, but you haven’t given me one good reason why you think Return of the Jedi is better than The Empire Strikes Back.”

Despite their fatigue at hearing this fairly one-sided debate, Sam and Daniel turned to Teal’c expectantly. Mitchell did have a point. Teal’c refused to acknowledge his opinion, but never really said why.

Teal’c regarded his teammates for a beat before answering. When he did, his voice was deadly serious.

“The Ewoks.”

Teal’c’s short answer was met with dumbfounded stares from all three members of his team. Silence was the only response for several seconds. Finally, oddly, it was Daniel who spoke up.

“Did you say ‘the Ewoks’?”

“Indeed I did,” answered Teal’c.

Now Mitchell found his voice. “What? The Ewoks make my argument, Teal’c! They’re one reason why Empire is better than Jedi. I mean, come on! Little teddy bears taking down the Empire like that? That’s just silly! I mean, maybe they were okay for six-year-old girls, but otherwise?”

Sam smacked Mitchell on the arm, effectively shutting him up. “Hey! I liked the Ewoks! Still do, actually. They’re cute!”

Mitchell gave Teal’c a look. “See what I mean?”

Sam smacked him again. “I’ll have you know my brother liked them, too. And you can’t tell me you didn’t think they were cool when you were seven.”

“Well, maybe… when I was seven,” admitted Mitchell slowly. “But not now! I mean, they’re pretty campy. There’s no way they wouldn’t have been reduced to ashes by the Empire!”

Daniel rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time and re-entered the conversation. “It’s a movie. It’s doesn’t have to be realistic!”

“Well, yeah, but there’s movie unrealistic and then there’s just ridiculous,” said Mitchell.

During this exchange, Teal’c was silent. Finally, though, he spoke up, and he sounded angry.

“Do you find the Jaffa ridiculous, Colonel Mitchell?”

Mitchell blinked. “What?”

“I asked if you find the Jaffa ridiculous,” repeated Teal’c.

“No. Why?”

“The Jaffa are very much like the Ewoks. And you said the Ewoks were ridiculous.”

“How are the Jaffa like the Ewoks?” exclaimed Mitchell. “The Ewoks are two feet high and armed with sticks and stones. They’re fluffy little furballs and…”

“I am not fluffy,” interrupted Teal’c.

“Exactly,” said Mitchell, as if Teal’c has proven his point for him. Sam and Daniel kept quiet, wisely picking up on Teal’c’s mood.

“I was not done, Colonel Mitchell,” continued Teal’c, now clearly irritated. “I am not fluffy. I am significantly taller than two feet. However, when compared to the Goa’uld, I am armed with sticks and stones. My weapons are vastly inferior to theirs and my comrades are far fewer in number than theirs, even now. And while I will not argue that using the measures popular on your planet, The Empire Strikes Back is a superior piece of cinema, it will never be my favorite Star Wars film, because while I enjoy it immensely for many reasons, it saddens me. I do not enjoy seeing evil triumph over good. I prefer evil to be vanquished. Therefore, I prefer Return of the Jedi. And more to the point tonight, I see myself and my Free Jaffa brethren in the Ewoks. Are they childish in their appearance and demeanor? Yes. But they stood up for what they believed was right and overthrew a much more powerful force than themselves. While this may be unrealistic in the context of the movie, I must believe it to be possible. It gives me hope that one day all Jaffa will be free, despite all that works against us.”

Teal’c’s uncharacteristically long speech was met with downward eyes and abashed expressions. He said no more, but instead stood up and headed to his tent for the night. Just as he reached it, he spoke over his shoulder to the group.

“Also, Colonel Carter is right. They are cute.”

With that, Teal’c ducked into his tent. The three other members of SG-1 sat around the campfire silently for a moment. Daniel and Sam kept sneaking furtive glances at Mitchell, but neither gave into their desire to rub Teal’c’s very valid argument in his face. Instead, after a long silence, Daniel moved on, clearly intentionally changing the subject.

“So, you’ll get the fire, then?” he asked Mitchell in a too-cheery voice.

Mitchell nodded absentmindedly. “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

“Okay, then. Night!” Daniel said. He quickly disappeared into his tent.

Sam was right behind him. “I’m tired, too, Cam. I’m turning in.”

“Yeah, okay,” said Mitchell, with a dismissive wave of his hand.

Sam was gone within seconds, leaving Mitchell alone with the fire. He stared at it for a good long time, then finally banked it and retired himself.

SG-1 slept well that night. The complete lack of interest on this planet meant they didn’t even post a night guard and everyone was well rested in the morning.

By noon the next day, they were back on Earth.

And none of them, most especially Cameron Mitchell, ever uttered a bad word against the Ewoks again.


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