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Short Help Is Better Than No Help At All
Fandom: Farscape
Rated: PG
Category: Gen, Humor. Characters: John, Aeryn, and Rygel.
Word Count: 1386
Season: Any.
Spoilers: None, though a working knowledge of a galaxy far, far away helps.
Summary: Good things really do come in small packages.
Disclaimer: They’re mine, I tell you! All mine! Can I get a ‘Hell Yeah?’ No? Oh. Darn.
Note: This one’s for lemonpiefirefly , because she asked for Rygel (yes, sarcastic requests still count) and because she knows who the baddest gangsta in the universe really is.


Aeryn Sun spoke plainly, for two reasons.

One, she was certain of her statement. And two, she always felt the need to speak slowly to John Crichton - especially when he was telling one of his elaborate Earth stories.

“And then they got slaughtered.”

“No, no, no,” said John. “You’re forgetting one thing.”

Aeryn raised her brow. “Oh?”

John grinned. “Yeah. You forgot the Ewoks.”

“What? Those little furry creatures you described?” Aeryn’s voice dripped with disdain.

“Yeah,” nodded John. “The Ewoks. I know they seem a little lame, but...”

“A little?”

John ignored Aeryn’s interruption and plowed on. “But they’re really not that bad. I mean, I know they’re not the most intimidating foes, but it’s like Han said, ‘short help is better than no help at all.’”

Aeryn rolled her eyes. “That is, beyond a doubt, the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

John emphatically shook his head. “Nope. Not by a long shot. Trust me. There’s way worse. Hell, there’s some characters that make the Ewoks look like God’s gift to cinema.”

Aeryn sighed. “Just because these ‘Ewoks’ aren’t the worst characters in your little fantasy worlds does not mean that it’s plausible for them to defeat a whole legion of this ‘Empire’s’ commandos.”

“Oh, come on, Aeryn, it’s a story!” groused John. “It’s not supposed to be like real life!”

“Then why tell it?”

“Because it’s entertaining!”

“But if it teaches no lesson, what’s the point?”

“I give up,” said John. He stood and stalked from the room, hardly noticing the sly grin on Aeryn’s face as she gave herself another point in her personal “get a rise out of Crichton” competition.

If she’d known that her victory would live for just a matter of days, she might have been more demonstrative in her joy, but since she was blissfully ignorant of that fact, the grin sufficed. In fact, it more than sufficed, and it persisted right up until her triumph was snatched away five solar days later.

That fifth day found Aeryn crouching in her quarters with one arm down an access hatch.

After a moment of obvious fishing around, she cursed loudly.

“Frell! It’s just out of my reach!”

She reached down the hatch a second time. Once again, her fingers brushed the object of her desire, but she still could not pick it up. She sighed in frustration, then hit her com as an idea struck her.

“Rygel! Get down here!” she shouted.

Rygel’s voice answered immediately. “Can’t it wait?”

“No!” answered Aeryn. “I need your help with something.”

“But I’ve just managed to make my lunch,” complained Rygel.

“I don’t care about your lunch,” countered Aeryn. “Get down here now.”

“Alright. Fine, fine,” grumbled Rygel.

The hynerian appeared several minutes later, stuffing what looked like a sandwich into his mouth. Close on his heels came John Crichton, eating a similar snack lazily. As they rounded the corner, the pair hesitated in Aeryn’s doorway. They managed to go unnoticed because Aeryn was still obsessed with the access hatch. She’d given up all pretense of dignity and was laying flat on her stomach with one arm inside the hatch. Apparently, she was still unable to reach whatever she was after, though, as her arm was just flailing about wildly.

After a long smirk-filled moment, John swallowed his last bite and drawled out, “So, what seems to be the problem, Aeryn?”

At the sound of his voice, Aeryn whipped her arm out of the hole and jumped to her feet.

“Crichton! What are you doing here?”

“I heard you call Rygel. Thought I’d come along and see what you needed,” he answered. “Thought maybe I could help.”

“I called for Rygel, not you,” said Aeryn.

“Oh, I see how it is. Fine. See if I ever offer to help you again,” said John.

“That works for me,” said Aeryn. “Your ‘help’ usually gets us in more trouble than we had to begin with.”

Rygel grunted. “She does have a point, Crichton.”

“Oh, shut up, Sparky! Now, just to be civil, I’ll ask again. What seems to be the problem, Aeryn?”

Aeryn turned pointedly away from John and addressed Rygel.

“My dagger is in this access hatch, and I can’t reach it.”

Rygel looked nonplussed. “And?”

Aeryn swallowed and forced a placating smile to her lips. “And I was wondering if you would be so kind as to retrieve it for me. You’re small enough to fit in the hatch.”

“And if I said no?” asked Rygel.

Next to him, John stifled a chuckle, which earned him a glare from Aeryn. It seemed to go on forever.

Eventually, though, Aeryn’s eyes slid back to Rygel. “Then I’d strangle you where you float, you piece of dren.”

Rygel gulped, but John merely chuckled again. Aeryn gave him another dirty look, but John ignored her and addressed Rygel. “Don’t listen to her, Buckwheat. Seems to me a Peacekeeper commando that manages to drop her knife down an access hatch isn’t much of a threat.”

Aeryn exploded at John. “Oh, shut up, Crichton! I didn’t ask for your help!”

John shrugged. “ Just stating the obvious.”

Aeryn turned and faced him. “Well, that’s what your best at, isn’t it?”

John smiled, refusing to take Aeryn’s bait. “We all have our strengths.”

Aeryn sighed in annoyance. “And I’ll have you know I didn’t drop my dagger down that hatch. It fell off my nightstand when Moya hit that turbulence a few arns ago and somehow the hatch was open. I didn’t do that, so Moya must have. She’s been in quite the mood lately.”

“Oh, sure, blame the ship,” said John.

“Very convenient,” added Rygel, always the devil’s advocate.

“Oh, shut up! Both of you! Shut up!” exclaimed Aeryn. “I’ll get the frelling knife myself!”

Aeryn wheeled away from John and Rygel and returned to her task.

John looked at Rygel and shrugged. Rygel did the same.

“Well, Sparky, looks like it’s just you and me then,” said John.

“Indeed,” said Rygel. “Now, about these ‘sandwiches.’ You said there were more kinds?”

“Oh, yeah. Tons,” said John. “Wanna learn some more?”

“Most definitely,” answered Rygel.

“Alright. Let’s go, then.”

With that, John turned away from Aeryn’s quarters. Rygel started to follow him, already dreaming of food.

They’d gone four of John’s steps when a yell from Aeryn brought them back to her door.


A loud bang followed Aeryn’s shout, and John’s head popped back into her quarters almost immediately.

“You alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” said Aeryn. “I just can’t reach this frelling thing.”

“You know,” mused John, “my arms are longer. I could try.”

“No, I’ll get a DRD to get it,” said Aeryn, standing again.

John stepped in front of her. “Let me try.”

Aeryn moved to step around him. “I said I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry about it.”

John laid a hand on Aeryn’s arm. “Hey. Relax. Just let me try.”

Aeryn shrugged off John’s hand. “What part of ‘I’ll take care of it’ do you not understand?”

John glared at Aeryn’s rebuff, then shook his head and backed away from her. “Apparently the whole thing. Fine. Whatever. Get it yourself. See if I care.”

“I will. Besides, I thought you weren’t going to help me anymore?”

“Oh, that’s right,” snipped John. “I forgot. Fine. Suit yourself.”

John turned and started to stomp away. Aeryn let him go and reached for her com to contact Pilot and arrange for a DRD to retrieve her dagger.

Neither of them got very far in their actions, however.

A throaty grunt sounded behind them both. As one, John and Aeryn turned to face the forgotten Rygel. He was grinning at the pair and holding Aeryn’s dagger up with one hand.

“Looking for this?” asked Rygel, voice dripping with self-satisfied sarcasm.

Both Aeryn and John stared at Rygel for a few seconds. The silence in the room was complete until Rygel broke it himself.

“What? Even I tire of your bickering. I thought this was the fastest way to shut you up.”

Still, Aeryn and John did not respond for another moment.

But finally, John answered.

“Huh,” he said. “Would you look at that? Guess short help really is better than no help at all.”

He managed to escape the room before Aeryn hit him.



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 7th, 2010 07:27 pm (UTC)
yay! more Farscape fic. Love that Rygel is in this. I really do like that character.
Jan. 8th, 2010 04:11 am (UTC)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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