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New Fic: Hairball

Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Rated: PG
Category: Vignette (615 words). Team, Adventure, Humor.
Season: Any.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Some things aren’t meant to be swallowed.
Note: Written for the four word prompt: Hairball, Monster, Deprived, Mission.


Wet goo dripped off Daniel Jackson’s entire body as he slowly pushed himself into a crouch from where he was lying spread eagle on the rough floor of a rocky cave.

The rest of his team did nothing to help his situation.

Instead, they just stared at him. No one spoke for several long minutes. Finally, Jack asked what everyone was thinking.

“Did that really just happen?”

“I believe it did, O’Neill,” answered Teal’c.

Sam just nodded her head in the affirmative, and it fell silent in the cave once again.

For about twelve seconds.

Then Daniel let loose a string of curse words so colorful that everyone there would have been blushing if they’d understood Abydonian.

It was Jack who was brave enough to interrupt.

“Hey! Look! It wasn’t our fault! That monster ate our GDO! We had to follow it in here!”

“Yeah, so it could eat me!” yelled Daniel.

“We had no way to know it would do that,” said Sam.

“It must have been deprived of sustenance for some time,” reasoned Teal’c.

“Yeah, who knew?” chimed in Jack. “And anyway, it didn’t so much eat you as swallow you whole. I mean, you kinda ran down its throat, Daniel.”

“That’s true,” agreed Sam. “The way it skittered in here, then positioned itself so that you would do just that must be its hunting mechanism. Sort of a lure and passive trap.”

“And we did get you out,” said Jack.

Teal’c inclined his head at Jack’s statement. “It is indeed fortunate that the blast from the zat’ni’katel caused it to regurgitate its prey and scared it away.”

Daniel gave them all a drop dead glare and wiped a gob of thick pasty fluid off his cheek before he responded to them.

“Okay, look,” he said. “I accept that this was no one’s fault, and that we have no idea what just happened here, but considering I’ve just been swallowed and then puked up like a hairball by some freak cave kitty lizard thing, I’d appreciate it if everyone just left me alone for two seconds. Alright?”

Daniel shuddered then and Sam snapped out of her reverie. She peeled off her pack and gave Daniel her blanket. As she wrapped it around his shoulders, he nodded his thanks to her. This gave Sam the courage she needed to ask the next question on everyone’s mind.

“So, did you get it?”

Daniel glared at Sam for a second, then grinned. He reached into his waistband and produced a perfectly good GDO. Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

“I’m nothing if not productive,” said Daniel.

Teal’c immediately responded. “I believe, Daniel Jackson, that you were not productive, but rather produced.”

Three sets of eyebrows rose in reply to Teal’c’s comment, and a moment later a giggle broke the stillness of the cave. That started a trend, and before long every member of SG-1 was laughing hysterically. Their guffaws were part adrenaline letdown, part relief, and part actual amusement, but no one cared about that. Even Daniel joined in the merriment over his ridiculous adventure, and as he held up the GDO to get a good look at it, he grinned and verbalized his only thought.

“Mission accomplished,” he mumbled.

And indeed it was. For while Daniel would have a long series of medical tests run once he got back to the SGC and would be made to take all sorts of preventative drugs once those were completed, his comment caused another round of laughter from his teammates, and for now that was medicine enough to ease his pains. After all, in his line of work, being vomited was just another day at the office.


Mal-The Captain
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